By Kate Villa
Did you know that Donald Trump, the guy who’s on “The Celebrity Apprentice,” is running for president? How fun is that! I love TV personalities. This is almost as exciting as when Al Franken ran for governor. He’s so cute and handsome. Anyways, Aunt Corinne told Sue who told Nikki who told me that if Trump gets elected, he’s going to weed out all the people I don’t want my daughter marrying. And maybe finally my little rugglelah Rachel might meet someone she can settle down with.
Since I’ve been telling the other mothers at synagogue about my political choices they keep arguing that he’s racist, a troubled monster, and looks like the screaming orange on the cover of Food Play, the best-selling coffee table book and calendar where food looks like people, and I understand that. But think about my little Rachel! She’s SINGLE. The last boy she dated was a Mexican and he was nice, but he wasn’t Jewish and I heard that Trump is going to build a wall around all of Mexico or something like that. So no more dark, handsome Latinos for you, Rachel. Also I’d love if we could stop importing salsa. I have terrible acid reflux. Is there a way to add that to the agenda?
You might think I’m voting for Trump for all the wrong reasons, but the only thing I want for her is a man who lives on the Upper West Side near that good deli with the smoked fish that travels so well. Is that so much for a mother to ask? And honestly, if we don’t let in any more Muslims or refugees, then pretty much all she’ll have left in New York are the Jews.
I’m so sick of these late night phone calls with her telling me that she “can’t meet any nice Jewish men in New York City.” Riddle me this: Why doesn’t my sweet girl go to synagogue on Friday nights? My best friend Ruth knows this lawyer who’s always going to the JCC to work out. Rachie could join a gym and take some of those fun classes! Maybe hang around the Columbia Medical Library in heels and a sensible dress from Bloomingdales. None of that schlock from forever21 that shows her tush. I’m getting hives just thinking about this. Do these look like hives to you? I think they’re spreading.
And Ivanka Trump is just a tall drink of well-dressed water. I would be proud to have her as the First Daughter and maybe my sweet Rachie would learn a thing or two about matching her shoes with her purses.
Outside Israel, New York has the largest group of circumcised penises…. What you don’t believe me? I was young once. I’m fully aware of the mishegas that goes on at The Matzo Ball. I was on the subway this past weekend bringing her groceries all the way from Westchester and I counted twenty men who could have been Jewish or passed easily after conversion! Twenty!
Once Trump is President, it’s probably only a matter of time until those internment camps start. But even then she’ll be surrounded by only doctors and lawyers with good mothers… wishful thinking, but they might even have a good knish recipe I can steal. I’ll wait until after they seal the deal to ask her new mother-in-law about that, in case they want to keep it in the family.
So if my daughter won’t take matters into her own hands and go on Birthright, where my cousin Marsha’s daughter met the love of her life while scaling Masada, and sharing figs with a very cute mensch named Benjamin, then Trump will do the trick.
Rachel: This is a message from your mother. If you continue to refuse to go to the JCC singles mixer on Friday nights after services like I ask you to every single week, then I, and the rest of middle-class America, will take back the dating scene with Trump at the helm. You may call us “crazy,” but I call it “tough love.” And it’s time for us to get serious about grandkids already because I’m not getting any younger.