Succulents: The perfect gift for the girl who kills everything she touches

By Kate Villa

When you’re looking for the perfect birthday gift for your best friend or sister, focus on qualities that make her different. What do you love about her? What makes her really special? Some girls are great at DIY-ing wallpaper, cross-stitching rap lyrics, or knitting dog socks. Good for them! Your bestie Jessica isn’t. Jessica deserves a different type of gift, because the thing she’s good at is destroying everything.

What do you get the girl who kills everything she touches? She’s never kept a vegetable garden for more than a week. She’s killed her own dog by running him over with a car, and then killed his replacement “Norman 2” by hugging him too tight. She once baked a cake that sent 27 children into anaphylactic shock. And they all had different allergies. When she shakes the hands of old people, they have, on average, two days to live. When she shakes a baby …well, wait that one’s a thing that happens to anyone.

She killed my dream of becoming the next JLo. Yup. Her fault. And the world is suffering for it.

All Jessica needs is the right gift! How about a succulent plant! It’s perfect for her.

Things succulents don’t need:


  1. Light

Some of it. Not a lot. If her shirt lands on it and stays there for a few days, nothing is going to happen to that plant. She could put it under her bed while her bong occupies window space. She could accidentally awaken a dormant curse by breaking an amulet she finds in a junk shop and it blocks out the sun for a long weekend. We’re still going strong here.


  1. Water

This thing can go for 3 weeks without water and still not die. Let her test the limits of its camel-like structure. She can’t beat it. It’s like a cockroach. It could live through a nuclear war. And this nuclear war’s name is Jessica.

It. Won’t. Die.


  1. Soil

It can live in whatever she puts it in – soil, sand, air, dirt, rocks, laundry, old potato chips, moldy spaghetti sauce, that toothpaste they make for dogs, battery acid, clippings of your neighbor’s hair …


When you’re giving gifts, make sure you’re gifting to the personality type. Remember, it’s the thought that counts. And, if (okay, when) Jessica somehow manages to kill her plant, just remind her of that. But for god’s sake, don’t touch her comfortingly. And don’t look directly in her eyes.


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